Status Updates For Facebook

20 Status Updates about the Weekend:

1. I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
2. Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
3. Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
4. Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
5. My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I’m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
6. Prank idea: pay a homeless man to run up to someone at an outdoor drinking fountain and yell “Get away from my bidet!”.
7. Never look back. If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe, she wouldn’t have become a princess.
8. I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
9. Girl’s status* “Bored” – 86 likes – 27 comments *My status* “Just got accepted into Harvard! – 0 likes – 1 comment from Mom: “nerd”
10. Life is like a cut, it’s the healing that takes the longest.
11. Toilets don’t hug back.
12. is not for women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.
13. Yes I look at the accident after I’ve waited in traffic to pass it, it’s my turn.
14. Procrastination? No. I save homework till the last minute, because I’ll be older and therefore wiser.
15. You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
16. Smart man + smart woman = romance
    Smart man + dumb woman = affair
    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
    Dumb man + dumb woman = a baby
17. I like using big words to sounds smart: utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
18. My favorite text message: “I’ll be there in 5 minutes…if not, read this again.”
19. A foolish man will tell a woman to shut up. A wise man will tell a woman she is beautiful with her lips closed.
20. I’m on a new diet called “I have $10 till Monday